I picture the moment it might happen.
I plan it in my head
I’ll fantasize & visualize a real woman in my bed.
I’ll sneak up & surprise her, get a pump & supersize her
It may take a steriliser
I obsess almost constantly about where & when we’ll meet
Will it be achingly romantic or wildly indiscreet?
Perhaps I’ll be walking in the park on a rainy day
Or eating pickles after dark to blow the clouds away
It could be that we make small talk by Lidl’s cold meat counter
Or engage in mountaineering whilst by rope I try to mount her
In late September I remember, we could chat on a Protest March
Or aggravate her with a jacket potato, or is that too much starch?
Or double-date with a girl or mate, if she’s gets the urge
Go run amuck & try my luck as testosterone starts to surge
Man alive, we could do the jive at the local Discotheque
Strip to the waste, repent in haste when she sees I’m a physical wreck
Walk the plank if her hairs not lank, if she fancies a fumble on board
Could have a jar in a Pop-up bar if that’s not too untoward
Join a band, paying cash in hand if she wants some syncopation
Have lots of hits then bite her bits that’ll really rock the nation
Speed Dating can be grating when you’re buying drinks for one
Some handsome swine is doing fine & you’re reaching for the gun
Love’s still out of reach with ice creams on the beach
As she goes off for a swim with some other lucky Jim
Yup, just when you think you’ve caught a fish she swims off with some other dish.
How I wish….
No wait, what’s this, it’s not too late, I think yours truly got a date
She’s not much of a looker, true…but beggars’ can be choosers
& staying home alone’s for losers.
We’ll canoodle after twilight as I finally break the ice
Then bring her back to my place & break out the Old Spice
Work my ‘ol black magic as I make moves to seduce
Finally getting closer now to letting little winky loose
But tragically the fates decree the night ends in derision
Mercy me, as over tea we discuss my circumcision
